well, what do ya know. in less than 24 hours, i'll have hit the big 18! it feels weird to know that, how do i say this, i won't be that young anymore. of course i'm not turning 20 or 30 or 40, etc., but it's just so weird. seems like society makes the years of being 17 and younger the prime of one's life (metro station's "seventeen forever," seventeen magazine, "when i was seventeen," etc...), and i'll be passed that. ooo. gives me the heebie jeebies. i certainly don't look 18 with my puny 4'10" self (that's right, if you've ever wondered how tall i am). and two, i definitely dont feel 18, if an '18 feeling' even exists. but anywho, life is short--like me!--and age is just a number.
this past week was mid-winter break for my school district and it has been awesome beyond the possum. (i like that phrase. mm) although i already knew my life was pretty lame--as much as i love blogging, that's like all i do and i'm not even that good at it, but anyway--it really really hit me and it was as if life came back to me--this will make more sense if you read more. for the past month or so, i've been feeling really empty. every time i published a blog post, i was afraid to write, to be myself. i didn't know if readers would like it. i was afraid of having one less follower. i wanted to be myself but then i wanted to look cool, and while looking cool, i still didn't want to be fake, etc. even outside of school, i was--still am--completely fed up with all the 'fake' people. not even posers, but worse. one kid comes to mind, "it" (avoiding he/she refs) is respected as such a perfect, great human being, could be president. but i know, have felt, have witnessed that this "it" really is not so great. "it" will probably go to a fancy school, get leadership awards, but deep down, "it" sucks. i know, who am i to say that right? but i hated having to see this while i'm trying to live my life as geniune as possible, but it seemed like you have to be fake, you have to be "it" to get further, to be recognized, to be all "that."
but when a fellow blogger friend was having a lil dillemma about writing on her blog, i told her to just write for herself (as did everybody else, it's the obvious answer y'know), and even tho i knew that i should write for myself, and live as myself, i didn't really grasp it until i actually said it. forget the crap. forget the "it"s. i started this blog to find freedom in myself, to share my stories, and my life, not the stories of some fake kid. i'm pretty fed up with all these facades in society, but one thing is for sure, i'm gonna be me. "by the grace of god, i am who i am." and man, i thank god with all my heart for that. so as i start and live out my 18th year, i'm so glad god shook it outta me and reminded me to be myself.
wait... i was talking about my mid-winter break. uhh quick rewind. so i spent the first few days of break doing homework, i actually didn't procrastinate so that was great! but tuesday night, i took some time to indulge in AMC's Countdown to the Red Carpet movie series, and saw Taxi Driver starring Robert Di Nero (one of my favorite actors, and Taxi Driver, one of my favorite movies). The next day I saw The King's Speech with my mom and man, my love for movies came back alive as if my passion was broken to 1000 puzzle pieces and magically placed together. the last time i went to the theatre was last summer to see toy story 3 (also a fantaz movie). i felt myself again (not in the sick way...)
then thursday, i went sledding with my friend vicky, (who took the pictures below) and i never felt so alive. clubbing, raves, drugs, weed, smoking, hookah, whatever. why can't people just go back to basics and realize that life is so good as it is? if that's what you're up to, alright. but i'm so grateful that i got to live it up during my last few days of being 17. and live it up in the purest but the best way. as my friend and i sled(ed?) down that steep hill and crashed into/flew off a log/hill and heaped snow all over our faces with snow on my eyebrows and my nose running, i let go of everything (except for the sled of course). in those five seconds down that rickety hill, nothing else mattered, but that moment. i realize that life is just a moment in this great big space, and nothing else matters but this life you live. i'm not gonna live it fake. the big one eight. i'm gonna live it right, live it good. i'm gonna celebrate.
well...so...i'm gonna stop being sappy now. i think i have a lot more to say, but, enough said right? all in all, i'm glad it's a new year, it's gonna be great. new home at college with new people. doing what i love. and most of all, no more of this fake stank. even if it means less photos, i'd rather be able to click 'publish post' without worrying that it's not truly of myself (but future posts won't be THIS long, i promise). reminds me of this quote:
as mentioned, my friend vicky took some snazzy photos of me (obviously before we went sledding, and dont worry, i didn't go sledding in this outfit. my sledding attire was quite the opposite of chic, i think i looked like a over-fed mario). here they are :]
click photos to view in original size
and a series of funny photos:
jacket - delias, scarf -hollister, dress - urban outffiters, tights - j.crew, socks - gap, boots - cathy jean, mittens - f21? not sure...
photo cred to my friend vicky kasprzak! (& thank you, vicky, for an awesome day) :)
and some words to end with:
personally, i would dance like this:
song of the moment -
will smith beat boxing here (mainly the stuff after 0:33)
12 comments:
erin.. i've been thinking about much of the same thing you've been going through.
happy almost birthday! mine is coming up soon and I feel almost nervous and unprepared for it.. i don't feel like i am an 'adult' and i feel comfortable and YOUNG at 17.. why does time have to tick by so fast? sigh..
& regarding blogging for yourself and not to try to impress readers.. i started feeling nervous about what people might think that now i have 4 drafts that are unfinished and i'm too self conscious to finish them.. but you know what I think i'm going to post them all!! i want to blog for myself, and you've inspired me to just because you decided to and tell everyone that too.
sorry for the extended comment, but i feel like i haven't visited your blog in a long time and i just love reading it and about your life and reading about what's going on in erin kim's mind.
Hey Erin!
First of all, HAPPY BIRTHDAY!! About the whole feeling old thing - don't worry. I'm 23 and still feel 19. I think thats the age that I will always forever look back at (it was the age I feel in love with my boyfriend). I think you have to start to worry when you start feeling old.
I totally feel you on the whole genuine thing, and trust me you're not alone. I think everyone goes through that at some point in their lives, and for me personally, I go through that at several points in my life. I think it comes from a place of just not knowing how you can contribute to the greater good or the world around you. But you will find your place and be happy with it in the smallest ways, which are the greatest ways. And I think you did that with your friend Vicky. Just keep on writing and being yourself and know that there are people out there that are always on your side :)
Well, you came to the right place to be yourself! :) I'm so glad to be a part of the 'blogging community' because everyone is so caring and supportive of everyone else.
This is a great post! You're really a great writer.
p.s. The Squidward picture kind of made my day ;)
happy birthday, erin! and "i'm not very good at blogging" PSH i love your blog :) i totally get what you mean...it's been a month and i STILL don't feel eighteen...i bet we'll start to feel it once we get to vote and go to college and such!
Happy birthday, Erin! I always feel that way about birthdays... but it's really just a transition rather than a huge change all of a sudden, you know?
I hope I'm not being full of myself in assuming that the mentioned blogger, but either way, it's definitely easier said than done to write for oneself. The act might not be difficult, but doing so with confidence most certainly can.
I know exactly how you feel about those "it" people... last year there was a senior at my school who decided she wanted to be an art kid. My school isn't too big, and the art department is very tight knit. I didn't like that she intruded so suddenly. And her work was good in the end, but very stylized. It sort of frustrated me that she had basically no foundation and that she just placed herself in our group - and that she received far more recognition than others. And of course, I can think of a few more examples, but that's the first that came to mind.
Ah. I hope your birthday is splendid! You deserve it :)
xox
I LOVE YOU, ERIN KIM :]
this post made me smile a million times.
your other ones make me smile too, but this one especially.
17 and below? imo 18 felt like that year of pure epicness! WHY AM I READING YOUR BLOG? O_o I just randomly found it lol. Was looking through my browsing history out of pure boredom, and stumbled upon a curious website. "Spreading the sunshine" it read. And here I am! WHOOSH!
-Burning Napkin
Every second is a moment in time. And right now, is the only moment that matters. I wish people focused less on the times that no longer exist, or haven't had a chance to exist yet, and focused more on the present. The most important moment. The only moment you can really make a difference. (Sorry for 2 comments on the same blog haha. I just read the top and thought, "Oh, its Erin! Lets post a comment!" But some invisible force urged me to keep on reading, and here we are! Excuse my rambling nature, btw. It seems that I just HAVE to type out the WHOLE train of thought before I can stop. I need to install a thought filter!)
SHOOT! And here is another one! I felt like it was necessary enough to post. HAPPY LATE BIRTHDAY! I hope your 18th year on this planet is the best yet! =D
You're so brave to stand on the sewer like that -- I used to be SO scared of them. Maybe it's because I watched too much Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles as a kiddo.
Thanks so much for stopping by my blog -- I'm enjoying browsing yours!
<3 leigh
Happy birthday!!!!
And great, insightful post! I personally think you're a great blogger! Sometimes we just have to find the right way to renew ourselves. I'm glad you're alive!
PS-Come enter my giveaway!
Happy Birthday! I'm turning 18 this fall and you can't imagine how un-excited I am. I don't know, there's something about being 18 that's feels like you can never look back again. More responsibility? Fully-fledged adult?
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