Tuesday, March 27, 2012

a living paradox

sometimes i wish i could just know. god works in the most mysterious of ways and i know all his plans are for the better, but today, there was a moment where everything was the worst. because all that i knew was simply whisked away from me, all my plans and excitement and tantalizing concerns lost their magic because one big plan was taken out of my hands. i wish i could just know what's to come. i wish i could just feel. just be confident. just live without worry. i wish i could just know. 

it's funny how when something you had been banking just goes awry and the whole day looks dark to you. i had a weird perspective change today. for me, everyday is amazing, but because everyday is amazing, there's a thin film of monotony that blankets each day. when i see someone i know, even if they pass me by, i smile to myself and i'll hope they have a fab day. i'll sing songs to myself quietly as i walk down the maxed out, taxi filled streets to class. and today, once i got some bad news, even the sun didn't make things any brighter. every little wrong thing that i'd normally shrug off was suddenly something to make me cuss. 

but the weird thing is, this little dark revelation peeled off the film of monotony and amplified the awesomeness that really lies in everyday. i was having the worst of days. truth. but i wished everyone else had an off-the-wall amazing day. i don't quite understand myself, but after i got off the phone with news that demanded some annoying tears to tickle my face, i walked out of that place and had a bigger smile whenever i saw someone i knew. this dark magic put that positive fairy dust and oomph into everything. it was a punch in the face conducted by some tinkerbell. when people asked me 'hey! how are you girl?' yes. it was literally the most heart wrenching second of my life to say 'i'm good!' and now i really understand the value of asking someone 'how they are' but that magical smack in my face and thrust in my life made me forget my fears and remember my love. maybe it was the hurt that made me want to love even more. but in the end, i was less afraid to say hi, to reach out, i wanted to kiss everyone i knew--not like seductively. i wanted to make sure that everyone loved their life as much as i did and didn't in that moment. something moved me to move others. 

later in the day i was assigned to give a campus tour (relevantly, the new tour guides had our "track jacket ceremony" today which was our official "induction" to let us give tours! whuddup! so if you come here, maybe i'll show you aroundz!). besides being late to my exam, and other silly stupid things, i had to do a tour on top of it and i was like 'oh dreaded life, why must i show others around school today. i am miserableness and hatred of life. woe is me.' but no. i loved it. i was still having the worst of days. truth. but as i shared my story, i hoped everyone on that tour would love my school, would love learning. would love life. 

so today was the worst of days. truth. and sometimes i still wish i could just know what is to come, what is my life, what is. but when the cookie crumbles, you have crumbs, that still taste good. and when my life seems to fall apart, i realize i still have people, that still taste good. i still have these amazing (no more film of monotony applied) acquaintances--friends i see daily or faces that i wish were more embedded in my life or faces that i no longer even see. and no matter where my career, life, or i end up, i know i'll have people with whom i can share smiles with and people with whom i already shared smiles. as a matter of fact, i close this post to have some hot chocolate with a friend. and with that, i can only hope that anyone who reads this--maybe it's your worst of days, maybe you also wish you could just know--but i hope you know that there is still people, there is still love, and there is still life. 

"“I believe in pink. I believe that laughing is the best calorie burner. I believe in kissing, kissing a lot. I believe in being strong when everything seems to be going wrong. I believe that happy girls are the prettiest girls. I believe that tomorrow is another day and I believe in miracles.” -Audrey Hepburn

jacket - urban outfitters, tee - best coast band tee, shirt - nordstrom rack, skirt - urban outfitters, tights - gift, shoes - american apparel

song of the moment
"pack up your troubles, get your old kit bag, don't worry about the cavalries. i don't care what the whisperers say cuz they whisper too loud for me."

1 comment:

Lisa Chi said...

Don't worry, Erin. God is wonderful, and His plan for you is perfect and good. We always hear, "everything happens for a reason". Although I often take this for granted, dismissing it as a simple cliche, I honestly can look back on my worst moments and feel that "yes, God meant for all of this to happen".
I can't say I've always felt the same since coming to NYU; my mood swings can be pretty frequent. In a week, my days range from spectacular to omg-I-just-can't. But truly, it's being able to live out this spectrum of feelings that makes me feel ALIVE. It's just as you said, you begin to feel monotonous if everyday is great. You can't experience complete happiness without knowing disappointment and sadness first.
But people always continue to surprise me with their genuine love. It's funny because I usually have a very independent-driven mentality. I used to think that my identity was a singular being, separate from others. But I'm starting to see that a part of me will always be defined by my relationships with people. I am "Lisa, the friend of ___, sister of ____, daughter of ____". And I don't mind so much anymore that I am so easily affected by everyone around me because these reactions, these encounters, these memories, define who I am. And the same goes for you, you are "Erin, the friend of___, the daughter of ____, the student of ____". I haven't talked with you in a while, but I'm glad to hear that you are surrounding yourself with great friends. And even more happy to see how much you care for and appreciate them. SO I guess, just remember: Yes, PEOPLE ARE GREAT, but...SO ARE YOU! I hope that throughout the week your spirits will continue to be uplifted by the awesome people in your life.
It's probably kinda weird, that I'm leaving such a long comment when I feel like it's been AGES since we talked, but I felt particularly touched by your post. ^^
All the best!