two journal entries on my mother because it's the least i can do

1/10
Yesterday's good night was the sweetest and most melancholic good night. With a sliver of white light aching in through the narrow crack between door and its frame, I lay in the dark, on the floor beside my mom on her bed, pillow appropriately plumped, mind ready to gradually fade into the womb of sleep and solitude.

But before drifting into that soporfic space, my mom sprinkled a noise into the night, "Erin?" It was like at a sleepover when there's only the tick of the clock keeping friends awake and someone breaks the silence, "Hey, you still up?" and I just replied, "mom?" She said, "I just wanted to say good night" (in Korean). I wasn't sure what I was hearing. She had never woken me up before in the recent times we've slept side by side together in these cramped Korean spaces. She hadn't done this nocturnal double take. But complex labyrinths of thoughts inundated her head and somewhere that night, the maze led her to think of me.
Because she knew if she could think of her daughter, she could at least get close to falling asleep. Her daughter was her last and only hope to rest.

The chaos that is consuming her body and life drowns all the strength and positively that characterized her. But she swings her thoughts toward me. she knows that God is with me. He has always been, in her eyes. for her, I am proof and a living hope that even in this darkness, there is a sliver of hope glinting through the doorway.

During the day, she groans, cries about how each breath is a fight. Each fight is a miserable loss. To eat, to sleep, to see hope in a next moment, to just live normally once more. But this night, she found assurance in that she has a daughter under the provision of God, protected by Him. She relayed to me, when she has raised a child like me, what else does she need. Solace rests with her because she knows I live and live beautifully in her and God's eyes. She send these words to my sleepy ears, but I think she was speaking aloud these honest beatitudes more for her own sake.

After brokenly and faintly sung hymns, she found sleep. The ebb and flow of her heavy breathing was life. She is safe somewhere in a world away from the stupid tantrums that implode reality. She is safe in sleep. And this makes me happy.

Each of her snores like bites of dessert. They bring joy, they feed the basic, human appetite for delight. she is happy when she is sleep. She is dreaming of me. And I lay awake, in awe of this kind of love, thinking about how beautiful it could be if she could sleep and stay in this place of peace forever. But I admit, I hope it isnt time for that eternal slumber just yet.

1/14
Apparently something good happened today, but why am I crying.

I have seen her go through so much. Every passing day a struggle, a fight. Every passing breath a memento of mourning and grief. But today something good happened in this series of miserable events. I don't even know how to respond, I'm not used to her finding joy in any home anymore. I only find the words to say thanks to God because that's what I know is always relevant to say.

I've seen her hurt so much. And in this moment where her drowning world found a earth, land, something to hold on to, no one celebrates for her. Just one joyous thing. She's so excited that she even suggested champagne. She is so happy because there is this action of hope in front of her face, a tangible visible piece of a dream coming to life. A breath of freedom, of knowing herself for one second. Yet nobody else realizes what a happy moment it is for her. Happiness, it's been so long. Happiness, why will no one celebrate with her?

Today she had a spur of peace, and they respond to her surprisingly joyous call for champagne by telling her to deal with it by celebrating in silence. Closed mouths, muted thoughts, another push for mourning. Another day reminiscent of grief. What is wrong? Why is still no joy to sustain her in the midst of this rare jewel of hope? When can she finally find a community of love, where each breath is expressed to celebrate her strength, to voice the love she deserves? When can we all sing the song that has so long been hidden in her misery?

a living paradox

sometimes i wish i could just know. god works in the most mysterious of ways and i know all his plans are for the better, but today, there was a moment where everything was the worst. because all that i knew was simply whisked away from me, all my plans and excitement and tantalizing concerns lost their magic because one big plan was taken out of my hands. i wish i could just know what's to come. i wish i could just feel. just be confident. just live without worry. i wish i could just know. 

it's funny how when something you had been banking just goes awry and the whole day looks dark to you. i had a weird perspective change today. for me, everyday is amazing, but because everyday is amazing, there's a thin film of monotony that blankets each day. when i see someone i know, even if they pass me by, i smile to myself and i'll hope they have a fab day. i'll sing songs to myself quietly as i walk down the maxed out, taxi filled streets to class. and today, once i got some bad news, even the sun didn't make things any brighter. every little wrong thing that i'd normally shrug off was suddenly something to make me cuss. 

but the weird thing is, this little dark revelation peeled off the film of monotony and amplified the awesomeness that really lies in everyday. i was having the worst of days. truth. but i wished everyone else had an off-the-wall amazing day. i don't quite understand myself, but after i got off the phone with news that demanded some annoying tears to tickle my face, i walked out of that place and had a bigger smile whenever i saw someone i knew. this dark magic put that positive fairy dust and oomph into everything. it was a punch in the face conducted by some tinkerbell. when people asked me 'hey! how are you girl?' yes. it was literally the most heart wrenching second of my life to say 'i'm good!' and now i really understand the value of asking someone 'how they are' but that magical smack in my face and thrust in my life made me forget my fears and remember my love. maybe it was the hurt that made me want to love even more. but in the end, i was less afraid to say hi, to reach out, i wanted to kiss everyone i knew--not like seductively. i wanted to make sure that everyone loved their life as much as i did and didn't in that moment. something moved me to move others. 

later in the day i was assigned to give a campus tour (relevantly, the new tour guides had our "track jacket ceremony" today which was our official "induction" to let us give tours! whuddup! so if you come here, maybe i'll show you aroundz!). besides being late to my exam, and other silly stupid things, i had to do a tour on top of it and i was like 'oh dreaded life, why must i show others around school today. i am miserableness and hatred of life. woe is me.' but no. i loved it. i was still having the worst of days. truth. but as i shared my story, i hoped everyone on that tour would love my school, would love learning. would love life. 

so today was the worst of days. truth. and sometimes i still wish i could just know what is to come, what is my life, what is. but when the cookie crumbles, you have crumbs, that still taste good. and when my life seems to fall apart, i realize i still have people, that still taste good. i still have these amazing (no more film of monotony applied) acquaintances--friends i see daily or faces that i wish were more embedded in my life or faces that i no longer even see. and no matter where my career, life, or i end up, i know i'll have people with whom i can share smiles with and people with whom i already shared smiles. as a matter of fact, i close this post to have some hot chocolate with a friend. and with that, i can only hope that anyone who reads this--maybe it's your worst of days, maybe you also wish you could just know--but i hope you know that there is still people, there is still love, and there is still life. 

"“I believe in pink. I believe that laughing is the best calorie burner. I believe in kissing, kissing a lot. I believe in being strong when everything seems to be going wrong. I believe that happy girls are the prettiest girls. I believe that tomorrow is another day and I believe in miracles.” -Audrey Hepburn

jacket - urban outfitters, tee - best coast band tee, shirt - nordstrom rack, skirt - urban outfitters, tights - gift, shoes - american apparel

song of the moment
"pack up your troubles, get your old kit bag, don't worry about the cavalries. i don't care what the whisperers say cuz they whisper too loud for me."

wind's kiss

as the sun descends to return to its bed and blanket of the earth, 

you whisper to me.

your lips of cool sensitivity trace my neck, 

the chill dancing with the sun's burnt orange hush.

people banter and walk on.

but i stick with you

privately, at the cement street intersection.

your caring wishes tickling me with glowing rays 

trickling between the town's

wires, rooftops, flickering branches.

a fresh fragrance of wood complements your natural touch. 

just as the sun goes to sleep, your flirtation must end, too.

just as the sun wakes, will you be back as well? 

will your distant gazes evolve to something more?

stroke my hand.

caress just below the flowy hem of my skirt.

tell me about your dreams. 

maybe the sun will have slept by then 

and only the smiling stars will be left to silently serenade us.

or maybe you'll leave.

maybe i'll get away to the big city where you roam only fiercefully like you're mad.

but maybe i'll find you at ease, muscles relaxes like we are here now.

your finger tips mildly rustle the loose waves of my hair.

i wrinkle my nose.

you brush my ear.

the ever perfect lover.

wind

you move me to a world where i don't have to move.

you welcome. you take me in.

you make the move to introduce yourself to me.

you don't know me 

yet you know all there is; 

we are of the same god, the same nature.

you love. you are. we are. 

wind. 

kiss my silhouette.

take me home where the starlight can paint 

our effervescent love with a sweet serenade.

 

photos by Bailey Theado

shirt - nordstrom rack, tee - best coast merch, shorts - urban outfiters, tights - american eagle, shoes - uncle in south korea, cardigan - urban outfitters, coat - zara

song of the moment 

notes: i miss

i miss not a person. not a singular breathing thing. but i miss those moments. the mundane. the simple. the subdued smoldering but so effervescent sparks of happiness. the unspoken flirting. the silent laughs inside our head. a love bubbling where no one could see.

i miss being right there. i miss standing still right there. in that moment. i miss imagining holding onto you. but i can't anymore. is it paranoia. is it love. is it real.

i miss the good times. the generalizations. the happiness that isn't supposed to be real for me but it was. the carpe and the diem. the you and the me. the everything that i had with you. a weaving of us.

it's all unraveled now. or so it seems. is it me? is it you? nothing is complete. i don't know. i'm not sure. what---

is it time to say bye. why does it have to go. does it have to? why does it have to end. do you mean to? what is---

maybe what i miss is a person. maybe i miss you. yeah, that's it. it's all it is. i miss us.

notes

rose are red
violetes are blue
i just wanted to say
that i have a post coming up
and i changed my blog name and layout!
i hope you like it!
and this doesn't rhyme.
i'm sorry...

much love,
erin

ps. i might do more short messages like this. this is fun.

song of the moment -